Do you have any encouragement to spare for someone who's been serious about their artwork for a long time, but has never received much recognition for it? I keep trying to improve and trying to put it out there, but I wonder why I do--what part of "no" don't I understand? I still (sometimes) love what I do, but I feel frustrated that I have so little to show for all these years of effort.
I know plenty of 'greats' weren't successful in their own times. I don't have to be great, but I don't want to just add to the junk heap of forgettable, mediocre art, either. How can I tell if it's any good, without any real response from the world? Then again, some of the stuff out there that does make it is bad enough to give me hives. So should I just quit?
Disappointing Career
Dear Disappointing,
I love the question, "What part of 'no' don't I understand?" I've also had considerable experience of not achieving my artistic success fantasies. The part of 'no' I often didn't understand was the kind part, the part offered by a friendly universe truly for my own good. If those fizzled dreams had manifested, I might have just grown a more entrenched ego, pretending to be important--a lone little candle guttering in the hot air of other people's opinions. For me, not getting my way has been a huge blessing. It pointed me towards realizing more and more deeply what's already open to me and to everyone: the possibility of effortlessly blazing with the sun of creative life that lights us all up.
One sunbeam says to another, "Whoa! You are gorgeous! One of the greats! You are a real star!" The other says, "Takes one to know one." They're looking in a mirror of where they both come from, seeing the truth of who they are. A sunbeam that says, "Hey, why doesn't anyone notice how shiny, shinier, shiniest I am?" simply hasn't recognized themself yet.
I invite you to make a list of all the specific benefits, from the petty to the cosmic, that have come to you because of what didn't happen that you wished for. Open your mind and take your time--I'm guessing the list will be long. Next, make a list of all the successes and recognition you have received, including the smallest. Take each one in freshly, like unwrapping a present from someone who knows and loves you. Wait until you genuinely contact gratitude for all the gifts you discounted at the time because they didn't match your picture of what would be enough.
Say you did "make it". Your book tops the best-seller list, bringing in heaps of money; your idol begs to act in your film; you're invited to give a solo show at the Met and you even have the perfect shoes for the opening. What would reaching this pinnacle actually give you? Happiness? Confidence? Inspiration? The satisfaction of knowing you connected with others? Relief from the suffering of feeling unworthy? Assurance that you are loved? Those gifts and more can come to you directly and immediately when you stop looking out to a future that is not yet here (and never arrives) to supply them.
As long as we're pursuing reassurance from other people or external situations, we're guaranteed to feel frustrated. Even if the strategy works temporarily, it can never finally assuage the pain and confusion that come from believing that we're not already enough as we are. We'll always have to seek fresh proof of our value to distract from the loneliness of separating from the real, unshakable, unconditional Source of our creativity.
So, give yourself more recognition. Truly, you are blindingly brilliant. There's never been or will be another just like you. You have been gifted with the courage to create for the (sometimes) love of it; this is pure grace, unearned. And you have, like almost all of us, an ego, a fake self constructed of fear-based beliefs which obscures your God-given genius from your awareness. Do you recognize yourself?
The ego's addiction to approval seeking is a nasty, discouraging trick. See if you can quit driving yourself with this carrot-and-stick game that can never really pay off. Then, knowing whether to quit doing your artwork will follow naturally--you will or you won't, without tacking on a traumatic story of failure and lost identity to the reality of the generous, free flow of choice that's really available in the present.
(Actually, you may find approval seeking quitting you, if you deepen into self inquiry about the false beliefs that held it in place. I love The Work as a simple, powerful way to question any stressful thought. It's not called The Work for nothing--you have to follow the directions and answer the questions. But if you stay with it, you may discover yourself opening creatively in ways you never could access before).
Of course positive feedback from others is tasty, and often useful. The lengthy acknowledgments in most books give a clue of how much help every artist needs: we don't do this alone. Come out of isolation and get the reality checks you need (ask people directly for their response, take a class, get a coach, join or form a group). Enjoy all the goodies coming to you.
And there is always much more nourishing fare available to fortify you in your creative work than any external affirmation could give you. When you really know that the Source is creating through you, lighting you from within, then validation from others is nice, but there's no need for it. Imagine the freedom this brings!
When you forget this, as we almost all do, and find you are disappointing yourself again, that feeling lets you know you are confused, and it is time to inquire more deeply.
Encouragement is mostly courage. It's yours already--the courage to notice that your familiar ways haven't worked. That courage can sustain you to look further into yourself, where you'll find your own solutions, in the only place they can be found.
And thank you for your courage to share with us.
Jude
(Actually, you may find approval seeking quitting you, if you deepen into self inquiry about the false beliefs that held it in place. I love The Work as a simple, powerful way to question any stressful thought. It's not called The Work for nothing--you have to follow the directions and answer the questions. But if you stay with it, you may discover yourself opening creatively in ways you never could access before).
Of course positive feedback from others is tasty, and often useful. The lengthy acknowledgments in most books give a clue of how much help every artist needs: we don't do this alone. Come out of isolation and get the reality checks you need (ask people directly for their response, take a class, get a coach, join or form a group). Enjoy all the goodies coming to you.
And there is always much more nourishing fare available to fortify you in your creative work than any external affirmation could give you. When you really know that the Source is creating through you, lighting you from within, then validation from others is nice, but there's no need for it. Imagine the freedom this brings!
When you forget this, as we almost all do, and find you are disappointing yourself again, that feeling lets you know you are confused, and it is time to inquire more deeply.
Encouragement is mostly courage. It's yours already--the courage to notice that your familiar ways haven't worked. That courage can sustain you to look further into yourself, where you'll find your own solutions, in the only place they can be found.
And thank you for your courage to share with us.
Jude
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